In the elucidated darkness of my mind's palace I find my path to solitude. Although I seldom take this path, I am always glad to see it. To know it and for it to know me. My days are numbered. Nothing lasts for long and everything after death lasts a lifetime.
It is true what they say, “Thursday's child has far to go”. And this Thursday born has been to and through some things and places which have left in my mind open to the mechanics of death and thus unafraid to sit and dine with it.
If I accomplish nothing during my clocked time on this planet; if I fail at all my ambitions due to my own doing or a malicious helping hand; if life becomes a rolling pain of bliss, at the very least I will close my eyelids in happiness. Why? because I'll know I indulged in those moments when they came. I left each moment content and satisfied.
I will walk away knowing that I thanked the people who showed me generosity and smiled at those who showed me the color of my blood. I will walk away knowing that the moon and I never missed a date; that I beamed at others without reason and looked silly in their eyes for it. I will go knowing I ate from the same bowl with people around the world who spoke no language close to mine, yet we understood the warmth of the universal language: love. And love needs no translator.
Though most importantly, I will die knowing this deep inside my heart: some of my greatest victories were simply that I tried. I may not have won but I tried. I will die with harmony that though I did not move mountains or part the Red Sea once again. I will fold my eyelids with peaceful tears knowing I planted seeds, watered seedlings, pruned trees and traveled miles for a cause.
My work may not yield fruits this lifetime, but I will die knowing I have scratched the surface deep enough to cause a reaction. I will sleep knowing they knew I was here.
Death.
I hear stories about death. Many of my friends and family forbid me from talking about death, my death or the state of dying. I hear people are afraid to die. Some panic they did not do enough when they should. Others lament on their unfinished ambitions, and many just do not want to die. Well, I don’t mind dying if that time comes. I will have no regrets that I did not do this or that when I should have. I have corrected the crooked lines that needed to be straightened. I have talked to those I needed to talk to - even when they did not see any reason for it. I have hugged those I wanted to and even forced it on them. Hahaha. I have cut ties and reconnected with those I had to. I have travelled to places my spirit would not stop guilting me about till I did. I have spent time with those who steal a breath or two each time I think of them. (My heart just smiled after typing that.) I have said "I love you" when I felt it, and I meant all three words of it.
So why then should I fear death and dying? Why should death and I meet in disappointment and at crossroads? It will not be a crossroads when death and I meet. We will be on the same side. Death will look at me and I will stare right back. We will chat about the fairness of our meeting and we will either continue our walk together or agree it is not time yet. Whatever the narrative, we will not meet in conflict.
This is why I don’t mind dying. I am not saying I am perfect. I am saying I am perfecting what I respect and I respect death, relationships and myself.
Don’t meet death and beg for time. Meet death and feel settled and at peace. You know what you need to do. Do it now…
love,
nomtondo