• nomtondo

We Are Not Friends. We Are Cool

Updated: Apr 25

I said goodbye to us yesterday’s eve, but you didn’t know. You looked at me, but you didn’t know I was looking back. We were meant to part ways after the long walk. The long solo walk together.

I often reminded myself that it will change – what I wish we had that you had with her, him and them. You tried though. You were polite and I knew that was all you wanted to be to me. I just was not ready to accept that, and yet I respected you for it.

I quite remember our talks, unbalanced yet so loaded. We seemed to leave our chats in deeper thoughts than anticipated. Mmmm…who are we kidding, that was always the nature of our chats – they started light and in seconds dived so deep anyone around would drown; but never us. We knew where we were heading as we dove. We dove deep yet our bond was shallow. You knew that, too didn’t you?

Hahahaha, do you recall that story that had us gasping for air? Yes! That very one! We were in tears and choking on words that never surfaced. Our lives, almost lost to a memory we do not fully own. A communal memory that is privately preserved. My oh did I laugh so hard that day. And you know what? The best part was seeing you laugh just as hard. It was new to me and I hoped to be more acquainted. But… this works too.

Slowly it went dark in the daylight. Still, I felt the sun on my face, but my heart shied from it. You were drawing nigh or was I moving farther? I think I was finally waking up from my forced hopes. I could finally see what you had been trying to tell me.

We are not friends. We are cool. Real cool.

Sometimes I think you tried to tell me many times before that this would never work. It will never find its running feet. I like to think it’s an accidental promise you made. I forgive you.

I don’t wish anything for us. Neither do I want to reminisce about our past. I see the gaps now, and oh how big they are. Bless you for keeping it up this long. That must have been stressful. I apologize for capturing your attention so I could feel wanted because that’s all I ever wanted, was to be wanted – back. But I guess it was not your well I should have thrown my bucket into. It was a full well, yet my bucket always came up empty. That water was never mine to drink. And forcing it down gave me emotional seizures. I know that now.

I love you less tomorrow than I did today. A sign I'm finally free.

I will always like you. A note to you that we’ll always be real cool.

Songs were written of our end, now I can sing them in crescent smile.

Goodbye my never friend. I miss you just a bit.

love,

nomtondo_speaks

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