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My Never Began Past (Part 1)

Updated: Apr 15, 2020

Like drops of rain against the glass, you curl in fullness and dissolve as you crawl down the windowpane.

I suppose that’s how it started for you. It came rushing in with confidence and in plump; deflating as it speeds down without assurance of being caught.

A depressing kind of free falling.

Our memories won’t grow any longer or deeper than they already have. All we have is all we can have. Your wish was that it would be more, I know. Mine was that you would stop wishing. You know.

You came like rain. You stay like rain. You will stop raining – eventually.

I will see it with my heart and feel it with my eyes. It will stop just like the day you began. Abrupt. Obvious. Unsure. Hopeful.

Like drops of rain against the roof you congregate to form a small stream. Little drops coming together to creek down my way. To form a puddle and demand I sway. A sway that will certainly not stay, even if I tried to play. And I did try.

I watch you in awe, admiration and sympathy. Which should I feel for you as I see you hit harder against my window and fall? Unable to catch you every. single. time.

I don’t fault you for raining or falling where you do. My irritation evolved to patience. I am your hinder, yet when I move you move too. Now how am I to remedy that? Be still I say to you, rain. But how can I tell the rain to betray its nature? Either it rains or it doesn’t, no in-between.

I will wait near far till you find the right window. I will not listen, but I will hear when you’ve found it. You will find it. For I am convinced I am not the one for you.

They say people linked by destiny will always find each other. But they never say what kind of destiny or when that will be. I hate that ambiguity. What if you are a destiny? What if you are the destiny? What if you are part of some destiny? What if you are none of it? And what if I am for you but you are not for me? – is that even a thing?


They push me to try. They force their failed outcomes and compensated choices on my halidom. They come with chapters and verses. They come with a single dieted mind. They come with fear and guilt. They come in the name of love and envy. They come and I leave. An invasion I meet with dismissal.


Quiet down. I know the voice my heart will answer to. I will know it even if I don’t feel it. And if I miss that too, it’s my loss and a cross I won’t share its weight.

In the shadow of a ring you will bury it all, my never began past. No words need spoken. Words will bring back the rain.

My never began past, don’t look back for me, I was never there. Don’t look to the future we’ll never have. Let’s walk farther part but side by side. As far as we can and as close as you can bear. You know and I know distance is a fallacy we choose as a barrier.

Mama Ji as she walks in silence in the Jaisalmer desert, India




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