I Joined A Fight Club
There is no book on how this goes. No one can describe how it will be for you. But they do tell you how you should deal with it. They mean well. That’s what I told myself.
There is no how-to-handle-sexual-abuse-for-dummies book, although many need to read one before approaching us. Everyone has their opinion on how you should proceed with it all, how and when you should speak up. They said, “make your move now, send the email later, don't assume, wait, your response is too emotional, the email is too long - be succinct and focus on this only (even though that other thing has a thick red thread leading to the commencement of your distress). But my favourite is “let it go, God will punish them for you, just let it go.” Hear me child, no one can prepare you for the sequential nonsensical episodes of emotions that you will experience. N O-O N E. But they do mean well. That’s what I told myself.
Those who mean well will at times give you more pain. They may combine your relationship with your experience and somehow garnished it with what they think someone like you, should and should not feel, say or behave. While others will take the “this is like a business deal” route, some may opt for the silent responses. And my heart, it IS okay. Let them. I learned to respect that through my combustion. Still learning (insert shrug). That part is one of the toughest because they remind me in so many unsaid words what loneliness feels like amongst those you call home, peace and happiness. It’s gon be alright. Do you hear me? Smile. They really mean well.
There is no book that can prepare you enough. No one tells you that you are likely to have suicidal thoughts. That everything will feel wrong in every way at the same exact time. They will not tell that your thoughts will guilt you into thinking you should have just enjoyed yourself as he did and said that to you, so you save yourself from the shame and embarrassment you will feel afterwards... Hm.
Oh, they also don’t tell you that you’ll hurt others in your recovery process, especially during the speaking up and letting go stages. People and conversations will be forced into the light and it will get shambolic. You will live in the past for a while because that is what you still know. That is where the answers are. And because you are simply furious and afraid. You will cling on to news of your accused, however true or false it will bring you comfort. You will lose people who once comforted you. They will coin their version of your story and of your character. Your image will somehow be tarnished with ample blame linked to you. They will forget but you will remember. You will lament. Melancholy will visit you. It will pain. But respect their choices, tone and words. Then forgive yourself.
No one tells you that if or after you get “justice” it will not taste as good as you envisioned. It will feel like you lost something – because you DID! You got hijacked off your life trajectory, leaving you in a deep self-loathing cocoon for what feels like eternity. Your life shattered into pieces that cannot be put together, so you had to leave with nothing. I learned that what I lost will never be found no matter how hard I sought for it. Mmmm... Even death will be easier to find than what you lost, and that is where the rainbow comes in. Wait for that. Please.
There is no book on how this goes. No one could have prepared me for it. But when it happened again, and when I decided to speak up about it that time, I came to find out that some of the very people I ran to had gone through similar and worse scenarios. I am alone. I was never alone. It feels like a social fight club I could never have been a member of I remained silent. And for our fight club, our first rule is:
Talk About It.
I told you, they mean well. And without shame, I say #metoo
I hope this post encourages you to share it with others who need it. I hope it helps you speak up. But most importantly, I want you to know that you have my support till the infinite end.
To all those who supported me from far, from near, with words, in silence, with comfort, with fire, with hugs, with prayers, with nothing. I thank you from the bottomless part of my heart.
Links for support