I Don’t Need To Explain Myself
“Love is the quality of attention we pay to things.” J.D
This post is authored by S.S.
Him: “How am I not listening to you? Tell me, when did I not listen to you?”
Me: “Right. Now. I did not want to come here. I wasn’t ready to face you. Yet, here I am, because you wouldn’t stop calling, texting, till I was in front of you.”
There will be times when the people you thought care about you are more concerned about being in control. They let their insecurities take over and cloud their thinking, behavior, and decisions. This was one of those times.
Him: “You’re telling me you went from talking to me everyday, wanting me to meet your parents, wanting to move into together, looking up apartments to live in, to THIS?! You said you didn’t want us to live with a third person, you’re the one that said you wanted to move in with me! You’re telling me it took one weekend, one night of being drunk, to deciding you want none of this?”
It took one simple weekend for me to regain a sense of self, a taste of confidence, to feel grounded and alive at the same time. That one weekend I spent having honest conversations with my family and friends. The people in my lives that reiterated the same things- Are you happy?What do you want to do? Be honest with yourself. It’s your choice.
Him: “Tell me when! how?”
There comes a point when you realize that you two just don’t see eye-to-eye. Your questions made me realize that you didn’t understand me, the way I think, and how I communicate. It made me realize that I used to let my insecurities blind me.
I was afraid of disagreeing with you, questioning your thinking, and creating a space for me. The minute I had the courage to do these things, I started to see you for who you are. I started to empathize less, care less, and respect you less. I could see the same was happening with you. We were no longer connecting.
I didn’t want to answer your questions. My silence was a subtle but firm resistance of having to explain myself to you. I will no longer spend another minute thinking of how I can revisit all the times I felt neglected, dismissed and rejected by you.
You gritted your teeth, glared at me, and faced me with fist clenched.
Him: “Look at me! Look at me damn it!”
Me: I looked directly at you. I said nothing, absolutely nothing.
I hope you enjoyed my guest writer for this month - who wishes to remain anonymous, and I respect that. What I can say about this writer is that she is bravely in tune with her emotions, thoughts and heart. What she shared took a lot. It is not to say we dwell on pain and hurt but to rather say we should hold the torch up for those in similar or identical roles to see and swim ashore.
Many are stuck in relationships they have outgrown but refuse to move on from. With Valentine's Day coming, don't let this day convince you to stay any longer when you know you should have left a while back. You are brave and strong. Be wise and know, you are never alone. Thank you S.S. for sharing this very personal and vulnerable story. I look forward to more future projects together.