Updated: May 5
There is something about change that calls both wisdom and folly together. A gathering to test and sieve out false support and heartfelt intentions.
When change is ready to blossom, it does so with calculated time, purpose driven goals, and doubt. The latter, doubt, is an ultimate test of our agility, perseverance and faith.
Faith is an attitude that requires continuous use to be understood and wielded to harvest results: unflinching confidence. I have come to find through my excursion with healing-change that faith and change dance very closely together. One can call them twins, yet they are not identical.
The time came for me to stand up again. I needed to trust my legs once more. It was daunting. I was unsure. Will my legs hold me up? Or will the earth beneath me cave in once more. And if it did, how broken will I be this time? How long will I take to recover? And most importantly, how [much] will I change this time? Although I embraced change, I longed more for healing, and often confused the two. Does change come before healing or vice versa? Do they go hand in hand? I’m unsure of the answer, still I’m certain both change and healing shattered me more than the sources of my pain did. Definitely more.
A little over a year has passed since that darkness. I am in a far better place than I expected. My mind is alert, my heart is receptive, and my spirit is savage when it comes to my inner peace. No exceptions are made, and I love that part the most. I expected far less of what I got and where I am because during my healing-change all I wanted was to survive – each hour. I did not care how I survived. On my belly I crawled to the end of each hour. And that was the goal. I needed to make it to the finish line no matter what. The process repeated even as I slept. And when morning came, it made a difference because I awake in my dreams.
I confused tears with melancholy; yet, I knew better than to rush the process. I had many choices during that time, but I chose to be gracefully broken. To feel each break in its entirely: sound, smell, taste, touch. A kind of brokenness which does not have a name. Such brokenness coins a unique name for each situation and person. And the uniqueness of the name is different from yours and mine. It’s lettered with your cries, emptiness, hugs, laughs, loneliness, love, support system, hurt and your perseverance. Do not rush it. The name will come. Wait for it.
Learning to wait was never a challenge for me growing up. “Wait your turn, you are the youngest. Wait your turn, your time will come. Wait, why are you so impatient?” What changed since then is what I do while I wait. Thus, how I wait, especially my attitude, has evolved. I don’t expect the wait to be short or lengthy. In fact, I sometimes pray it lasts long so I am better prepared for what the healing-change will birth. Secretly, I wish it lasts forever because I got used to the silence and hurt. I have learned to enjoy the wait, growing and listening as I wait.
Secrets are shared during the wait. For some, the secrets are from your soul. For others, the secrets come from the genuineness you surround yourself with – people, things, places. And for many, they are never heard. You may call it the voice of God or an encounter. You may be told such secrets through dreams, a quote or a hug. Whatever your medium is, let your spirit’s ears listen keenly.
For me my words became few around many people but not all. I found pleasure in being silent in the presence of others. That kind of participation was appreciated by those who dove deeper than cocktail conversations, and recognized by kindred spirits. Many found it weird and concluded I did not like to be around people. But maybe I did not want to be around them in particular. I did not shame myself for choosing isolation over insincerity.
Sometimes words need not be put to work. Our ears, however, can bring more if we let them. So, listen. Nod. Return to your mind’s palace. Stay guard of something so costly when lost: your peace.
As you heal-change, trust, wait, listen and lay down in your faith, do so with hope by your side. Know you will be rebirthed and strengthened beyond your expectations. It will be much much better. You’ll see