• nomtondo

Forgiveness Is Never Prepared

Updated: Jun 5


It’s not easy to do.

Really, it’s not easy to do.

Don’t expect anyone nor yourself to wake up and just do it.

In this matter, the Nike slogan “Just Do It” does not fit.

It takes more than “just”

It takes, what seems forever, for you to take one step – the first step – any step.

And when you finally take that first step and the many steps after that, you are told; constantly reminded that you are doing this for you and not them. As if that is enough consolation prize. And maybe it is. Should it? Maybe doing it for you should be enough. But many times, especially in the beginning and for the first time, you don’t wish to do this for you. You don’t wish to put yourself first. You simply want to feel all the potent, raw emotions, no matter how toxic because…

Because these potent, raw emotions are the only things that make sense in the moment; however long that moment is. The only true thing willing to stay and keep you company. And for a while that is what you want. All you want is to feel just that.


Forgiveness.

It’s not easy to do.

Really, it’s not easy to do.

Don’t expect anyone nor yourself to wake up one day and just do it.

In this matter, the Obama slogan “Yes We Can” rings true.

But it’s not immediate.

Forgiveness is never prepared.

Healing is never a clear path.

Letting go is not instant.

Recovery has no end date.

There are times you will want the source of your hurt to feel everything you feel. Everything. Not less than but certainly equal to or greater than. There is no fault in wanting, saying and thinking that. But there is danger in pursuing it.

The desire to hold on to pain and hurt for a little longer as you find a way to forgive is better than rushing the forgiveness journey; and later taking seven steps back to revisit a now deep and infected wound. All the same, it is better to say it now and work on it later.

I forgive you.


A sentence that struggles to be heard and quakes to be said. It does not matter if it takes or took you years later, months, days, seconds – never to say it or have said it. But do know it breeds something you have to go back and wrestle if left to grow.

It’s okay.

Forgive yourself for how long it took you to say it, feel it and mean it. Keep doing that till your spirit wakes up one day and shines pure and bright like the moon. Big, whole, present and unashamed to be seen.

This is a baton race where your past, your present and your future selves are the running mates. Where the distance between them is not uniform yet whole. Where you are likely to fall and drop the baton many times before handing it off to the next self. To be free again you must keep running.


Keep running. Crawl if you need to. Walk if you feel like it. Sit and sulk if it’s how to get you to the recovery stage – the endless stage I call it.

The recovery stage is unending. It replaces the companionship of pain; the raw and potent emotions you once held hostage. Recovery stays behind to keep you sane. It comes to support the old foundation by fusing in new concrete. It does not come to replace the entirety of past but it's sure to bring healthy companionship. One that will stay as long as you let it. And like the potent raw emotions, it will grow as much as you feed it.

It’s not easy to do.

Really, it’s not easy to do.

Don’t expect anyone nor yourself to wake up one day and just do it.

In this matter, forgiveness does not mean what happened is okay. It means not letting what happened take any more of your happiness. -Michelle Maros



love,

nomtondo




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