I feel content. I feel steady. I feel ready yet not fully prepared.
As I approach 30, I welcome freely and with caution the impressions of people in their 30s. Without fear nor reservation I stand ready yet not fully prepared.
I changed the 30s narrative to suit what I need, where I am and how I will end this decade.
I feel nostalgic leaving behind my twenties, which have served me so profoundly. I wish to thank my twenties and the best way is to roar a Silent Thank You. A silent thank you where laughter, pain, brokenness and joy dwell in harmony. A silent thank you where the exchange of vows between 29 and 30 are simple and detailed in every way. No words, just a respectful hand over of the baton. A tearful eyed me turns the page to a new chapter with an unapologetic toss of excess luggage.
“Travel light. The journey is craftier from here”, 29 tells me.
I smile – not I grin and roar my Silent Thank You.
My grin is not to my twenties nor to the beginning of my thirties; it is to myself. It is to Celestina for figuring out what my predecessors didn’t at my age. A grin to myself for not following in footsteps just because they were present and before me. Not all paths are for us to take. Some paths only lead to specific places for a specific person. Some paths are not always the one before us and learning this lesson took everything so I can have much more: liberation. Stubborn liberation.
Paths.
We have many paths in our life. There is no one path to our end, calling, purpose or destiny; and certainly, we don’t have one path with our name on it. I believe we have many paths to trek because there are certain people to meet, bless, learn from, heal and help. These paths may have potholes, but that is what makes them memorable. That is where the lessons are.
I believe we have several paths in our life – like a confluence: where two streams meet to become the source of a river, and thus forming a new water channel and name. How wonderful to think of life this way? To see your life as one where two or more bodies of water (people, experiences, places etc.) merge to form a new you. That gave me chills.
Confluence.
I think of the people who represent confluences in my twenties, and who will remain such in my new decade. I recall a few people from my twenties who are now a memory I will always call upon to remind me of a memory, a thought and a sensation. My mind teases me to reach out to them, but my heart assures me there is no reason to. Like the stream, I let them be carried to their next confluence – their very own. My teachings have been taught, our paths have been crossed and I have been renewed just as it was intended. Some people, my soul says, need to stay a memory, a thought, a sensation.
To the confluences of my twenties…
If you read this and you are such a person, someone we met in my twenties, I applaud you. I applaud you for your presence and the duration you chose to stay and that I allowed you to stay. I applaud you for your strength to keep me at bay when my brokenness was too much to bear and not yours to carry or help me through. Lastly, I thank you for the longevity and depth, or lack thereof, of our friendship, our relationship. You taught me that sometimes connecting with someone will not always be deep or broad. Sometimes they expire in weeks and that is okay. It was meant to be a short path. These will ring true who I am becoming. They will ring true to our memories branded into the skin of our minds.
My awaited thirties! No pressure…
For those who are still here, the very few, I salute you. I salute you endlessly for your loyalty, companionship and genuineness. I salute you for not abandoning me even when you had to distance yourself for your own mental health. I salute you till the cock crows for remaining standing when I couldn’t do that for myself. I salute you for your confidence in my return as I went gallivanting. I salute you for standing so close as my thorns were being pruned and cheering me on through the pain. I salute you for your support – something I have less of but with you, it feels like an abundance. And to those who were brave enough to say I love you and taught me how to say it back; I. salute. you.
I feel content. I feel steady. I feel ready for the next decade.
As I approach 30, I welcome freely and with caution the impressions of people in their 30s. Without fear nor reservation I stand ready yet not fully prepared.
I changed the 30s narrative to suit what I need, where I am and how I will end this decade.
Dear 30s,
Come. Sit. You are years late.
