I thought of not writing anything because I felt there will be no-one to read it given the holiday season. Then I told myself I cannot write because I had nothing to say. But who am I kidding? I always have something baking and ready to serve. My mind is continuously chiming with words that need to be inked.
My fingers finally found their place and they started moving again. I smiled as I wrote with no clue how this post will end. That is the beauty in how I write and function, I surprise myself every single time.
Let's dip our toes in, shall we? Bon!
Eh... 28 is my current friend (few will get the “bon and eh hahaha. If you do, give me a shout out) 28 and I have been friends for almost a year. 28 also happens to be my age. 28 and I had some rather strong, yet unforgiving, definitely intense, but joyful, darn right miserable and absolutely liberating conversations. We had many conversations and have decided to share three with you today. It was her idea (eyeroll). We will try a list format for an easy read...
Conversation #1: Get Out
“Get out, the voice said. “No, I gave them my word so I must stay”, I replied. “Move!”, it said again. “No just a while longer.” “Watch out!”, it screamed. “Oh my, that could have ended worse than that", I told myself. “Now will you listen and get out!?”
With a fabricated smile on my face and fear in my heart, I got out. I left. 28 and I were in places where we had overstayed our imaginary welcome. The excitement triumphed the warnings, but we needed to have an important conversation in these spaces before we got out, so I cannot be too harsh on the experiences. I found myself in places that did teach me many fundamental things in the time it needed to be learned. 28 was aware of this timeline but I was so stuck on “my word is my currency” that I was willing to keep myself in the growing danger just to fulfil my promise. I had to do the one thing I vow never to do - break my promise.
28 and I got into a tug of war over this move, this departure - this boot if you will. In this war, 28 won. I left with a sunken heart, a perplexed self-worth, a vividly bruised mental health and thousands of questions dangling loudly from every side. I was going down the rabbit hole and it was so fast it felt like slow motion. I was numb to the falling and willing to keep going because leaving, getting out, to me meant failure, not achievement. It meant they won, I lost. I meant I was defeated.
28 taught me this: When it's time to move from a place, from a situation, from a person, from a job, or from a relationship, you MOVE. Get out of your own way and let the move happen. It's one of the hardest, most emotionally wrecking thing you will be forced to do but you have to do it before it gets worse and you lose more than you should have.
You may lose the battle like I did but win the war - like I did. It took blood and tears but losing the battle made me strong enough to wage, fight and win the war. That is how my story went; yours will be different but we will have the same things in common: getting out and losing battles so we can win the war. And when the war is over you will do what I did, hug yourself and cry as you utter the words, “I did it”.
Conversation #2: Inner Peace
After all the moving and throwing the water out with the baby in it so to speak, 28 took me on a jaunt in India for two months. I went to stay with my Indian family for two months to recover from two surgeries. One was metaphorically, the other physical. I was in two kinds of pain no one wants to have together: emotional and physical, both equally painful while demanding to be nursed differently. Do you know how difficult and confusing that is? No words can prepare you for it but you will get through it.
28 and I fought on two fields during this jaunt. We fought on the emotional and the mental planes. We thumped each other to the death - that was the rule. One of us had to die and 28 was not going to let me out alive. I died in that fight. I was laid to rest in my cocoon only to come out in when ready. The latter is important. If I had allowed others to rush me to recover a certain way and by a certain time, I would have stayed dead longer and deeper. Don't rush let them rush you in your healing.
After that kill, 28 flew next to me as I strutted my new Wings Of Many Colours. 28 asked me what I felt, and I answered, “Peace. I feel inner peace”. My wings shone and shine bright. They now feel light and free. I smile without reason very often. I cry because I feel love towards people, those I know and those passing by. I found inner peace and it tastes like a celestial encounter - because it is. Infinitely is.
Conversation #3: Begin Again
Following a well-deserved break from the victory, 28 came back with a tough ask. 28 came with a requirement. I had to begin again. Now, when you think of this ask after all I've said earlier, I should have been elated to start again right? I was absolutely not! I believe that was because it meant I had to go through my past and sort out what is coming along to 29 and what 28 is keeping behind. It meant I had to reopen some doors and let the light in so I can see better. I had to ransack, dust off, throw out a lot, doubt some ideologies and question my ties to people, my relationships. I cried over those that were broken and had to be left behind. I regressed to old relationships to see if it was suitable to come along. I left them behind at the end. It was not a fun time, but I had my inner peace to comfort and remind me why I needed to do it.
I could not divorce that celestial encounter and marriage to this peace because we were now bonded through and through. The connection is now spiritual. I am spiritually intoxicated with this inner peace, I have no plans to sober up, death will be better. Why lose your inner peace... for what? Nothing is more priceless than peace. Thus, I had one choice… finish the pruning and rummaging stages in order to begin again.
Needless to say, 28 is so proud of me and so will 29. My bags are packed, my Wings of Many Colours are dusted off and my heart is bursting with too many feelings.
As I wait for the flight on 31st night, when the clock strikes twelve, I will spend the last moments with 28. We will weep, we will get drunk on tears and dance embarrassingly while singing with our far-from-melodious voice songs we still don't know the words to after a decade (no judgement ^_^). We will kiss each other farewell, and with our eyes, we will accept the unspoken invitation to visit me in 29 when I forget our conversations. I will be pleased about the visit but I hope these visits are few and infinitely far between.
What conversations did this year have with you? Share in the comments section or shoot me an email or text. I'm always ready to hear from you.