Updated: Apr 19, 2020
Now that Valentine’s day is over, I will write about love. Not because I am annoyed by the day or because I am single and sporadically peep through the window wondering if he is out there looking back. But because I want to write about when love found me and what we both did and thought us about this thing called love.
I have never been in love. Don’t be shocked. I know what love is and should be for a significant other, but I unapologetically have not been in it. Though, I thought I was in love at one point in my early twenties but turned out to be a rather long false alarm.
I was told that my love for my friends – or how I showed and loved them were at times weird and “too much.” Once, someone asked me if I was a lesbian because of how close I was with my friend at the time. But the truth was, I just loved her that much. I didn’t want to date her, but I felt happy around her, and there was nothing else to it.
My wish to spend and honor quality time with others or a specific person has been mistaken and classified as being obsessive, aggressive and immature. For a while I did not know how to differentiate what I call quality time from infatuation, romance or being territorial. And now that I look back at all those moments where I was pushed away, labelled for wanting to genuinely and exclusively spend time with a person, I get sad and embarrassed. Sad because my intentions were pure and perfumed with childlike fondness. Embarrassed because I was rejected and shamed for wanting to hang out without a third, fourth or tenth wheel or intentions.
I find love in many things and people. I find myself making sure they are always treated fairly. For example, when I get a box of eggs from the fridge and see they were picked out of order, I think about the egg that got skipped and feel bad for it. Writing this makes me laugh and sound crazy but it is my reality. I get the egg that was skipped and use it; because to me, they were ignored – or trying to not get eaten hahaha, but you get the point. I don’t go about crying for the skipped egg, but I do wonder how lonely it must have been. My thoughts are to make someone feel good and in turn it makes me feel good.
The egg is an analogy for how to and not to treat others. Skipping people to get to others is not a great feeling if you are the one being skipped and ignored. People think about everything and feel everything. We forgive sure, but we cannot forget entirely. Incidents can be erased but never how they made us feel. Our feelings and emotions will always linger, even if we do not recall what happened or who caused it. Our feelings never walk away – people do.
Love found me in my mid 20s when I had less baggage and knew myself a bit better. When it found me, I had ended a four-year long-distance relationship. I was now single and repelled dating. Let me add that I was clueless about who I was and just wanted to find me, date me, love me and just enjoy me in every aspect – mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Self-acceptance was a battle and I definitely went to war for years for it.
Love pinned me down and wrestled for my attention. It got it. It was a battle one of us could win easily but not fairly. The way I saw it, it was either I gave in to it or I won and guided my future self into a healthier space. In the end I won but the battle is cyclical, so I keep fighting – not taking my victories for rest but for fortification. Our minds will do whatever we feel thus not only did I have to feed the mind what was right, but I had to tell the heart to stay out of the way.
Since then, love and I have grown together with better respect for each other. It is showing me who I am and the kind of person I need to be to get to wherever I must be. I am falling in love with love and myself in slow motion as a single person and it is beautiful! Sometimes too beautiful others can’t stand it.
Here's what I found. This walk with love cannot be done in a three way. There is only room for two. Love and my single self still have many night walks, chats, cuddling and fights to go through. We began a while back, but I am too selfish to share that and add a third person for the time being! Let’s be real this is a full body and spiritual commitment to bring someone to your halidom and I cannot repeat past mistakes.
Nonetheless, love is beautiful and it does not have to conclude with being in a romantic relationship. I challenge that concept. Love is found everywhere and in everything. Even in eggs. Haha! Be happy in any social and personal status. Be more in love with yourself before adding a third person. It only makes sense to add one whole to one whole to make another whole. That’s just common sense ^_^